Thank You, Master
by HorseStar1
Summary: After the Empire rose, Ahsoka was sure Anakin was dead, never to leave Vader's body. Burdens of blame isolated her after his 'death', and a dream left her to realize that it wasn't so true. Oneshot not Anisoka, but could be interpreted that way.


**AN: This is not an intentional Anisoka, though it could be interpreted that way. Ahsoka dreams of the past - first person, the first fic I did in first person. :) I love reviews, and I was a little hesitant to put this out because I don't normally write first person, or in writing that's almost like a poem. But I did, so tell me if I did all right. **

**This has got to do with Living in the Dark, but you can read this without the other easily...  
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I thought I hated you, until something dawned on me. I thought you were gone, Master, as Anakin Skywalker, until something changed. Even though I despise Vader, my days are easier because your still there, living within. My hatred is gone towards you, my path clear.

I dreamed the other night about my past life, Master. I dreamed that my life was still intact, my dreams still soaring. I felt your approval, your never-ending love. It was vast, not just for me, but for the world you surrounded yourself with. You had Obi-Wan, me, and I should've guessed - Padme. I saw them again, all of them. My Jedi, and even non-Jedi, friends. I saw myself, pouring my life into the Force to become the Jedi I wanted to be, what you had to mold my cocky mind to be.

I was on Ryloth again, my troops all gone. I heard myself scream, "Ax!", even though I knew he would never come back. I guided the starfighter back to hanger, fearing your reaction. I never wanted to disappoint you, Master; I wanted to make you proud of me. You were disappointed, but even so, you helped me back up again. My self-confidence had been shot, but you helped me find it. I never did say thank you. I'll say it now, even if you never hear.

I was a Jabba's palace, holding the baby Rotta. I wonder what his fate was; I never saw him again. But I saw your relief when I stepped into the Palace, holding Stinky. I saved you twice on that first mission - and it made me happy. I was becoming a Padawan, no more of that little Youngling who others ignored in the Temple. I wouldn't hide behind pillars to see of the others laughter and joy

I saw myself battling those lizards once more. I saw Kalifa die, my fingers trailing down her lock of hair. You never knew her, you never saw what I did. Such hate! They murdered innocents as a game - an evil game - and hung them on their walls with pride. It hurt to watch their prey die, knowing I couldn't help. What if _I _had died? What would you have done, or even felt? Would you mourn me, or just be happy to that you were rid of your Padawan? My lightsabers gone - even after I returned I hadn't retrieved them, my body exhausted, I wondered how I could ever live. But then I came back to you, saw your fear, your broken blame. I helped you, then, never thinking I could take such blame. But here I am now - what if your fall was because of me?

I was locked in Cad Bane's grasp, his eerie voice sizzling near my lekku. I was in the hold, ready to die for the Younglings - the ones who ignored me. But then you saved me, even though I protested. I wasn't disappointed that you gave those names away for my life, even if I should've been. But even now, I am glad that I lived.

I saw myself with Padme, right after Aurra Sing's attempt to kill her. You greeted us when we returned. My hand covered the blaster wound that I had suffered, and just now I thought of what I dismissed before. You looked at Padme and asked her of her condition, but not me. I should have seen...but you were proud of me. I caught Ziro, all by myself, with my Force powers. I was learning to be a Jedi. Is the Force still with me, Master? I feel so lost!

I relived the day our ship crashed and I nearly had you killed. Aayla told me to listen, to leave. A Jedi must learn to let go of attachments for the greater good, but I never did seem to do so. I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't feel so weakened now. In that black armor that everyone sees as Darth Vader, does that little Anakin Skywalker in you feel weak now because of the attachments? Is that why you never came back? Because of the Dark Side? I wish I could ask.

I saw myself at the Citadel, your anger at me for coming along so strong. I wanted to be there, for you, so you could see I was good enough. Even though I am only realizing now, I don't think I ever had to prove anything.

I saw Mortis, the mysterious planet. I never did recall what the Son had done to me, but now my body seemed to remember, not my mind. I heard my voice, but it didn't sound like me. I wanted to kill you! I couldn't believe what I had done. How could I have let it happen? The Daughter died, and I lived. You were glad to see me rise up into the light again. I was glad, too. I wasn't ready to die.

And then Order 66. That day was death itself, for all of us. I saw you, and once more I almost died in your grasp. But you softened as you allowed me to go. I was so relieved, but I almost wanted death. After all that pain, and my dreams, crushing around me.

Oh, and the people I saw once more. But they all scolded me.

Obi-Wan tried to tell me what was right once more, but I wouldn't listen. I turned away from his advice. He was a solid, good Jedi. He would never fail any mission - he poured his life into being a Jedi. He tried so hard to train you correctly. And even I wonder now. Did he fail? I would've never even guessed so. He was far greater than Master Windu, not that I'd have ever said it to Windu's face.

Padme held me again, telling me that she was fine, always would be. She, as always, questioned my well-being before I could even speak. It made me feel somewhat embarrassed. How could she always be so fair and well-spoken, and I always be so...so outspoken and feisty? I cared, I know that, but Padme was so good at showing it. Was I? You tell me, Master.

Barriss told me that our lives were as different as you said they would be. I wanted to hide - I was so ashamed. She blamed me, or perhaps I blame myself. But I should have stopped you! I could have brought you back if I had Padme and Obi-Wan with me. But I didn't find them. I was selfish, and Barriss confirmed it.

Plo Koon was the only one who looked at me with affection. "Little 'Soka," He whispered, "Remember the day I saved you? We're you grateful." "Oh, Master, I was!" I insisted, hugging him. He accepted the hug and returned it as though he'd never let me go, "Why didn't you save me?" He didn't say it, but he could have, because I thought it.

Kalifa was there - that surprised me to no end. She looked at me with hard eyes, "Why didn't you take care of them?" And her face swirled before me, descending away forever. If I told her I tried, I wonder if she'd believe me.

Luminara told me that Jedi do not threaten, that Jedi aren't like me. Luminara was the perfect Jedi, I believe.

Yoda's inquisitive eyes, so pensive and luminous, threatened to engulf me. "Step forward, young Padawan." I did so. But then his voice wobbles, and he looks away sorrowfully, "Sorry, I am. Never be a Knight, you will." He was right; I never would. ]

When the guilt created such a hard ache in my stomach, I screamed and screamed. _My fault! I should have tried to save those Younglings! Should have found Obi-Wan and Padme! You would have listened! _I rolled onto the floor, my head hurting, my eyes burning. My flesh sizzled and burned. My body was on fire, "Master!" I called out to you, but you did not come. I stood, albeit shakily, blind and sobbing. And then, I could see.

I was in a long, dark tunnel, light on the side I was on. When I looked down it, I could see you, your face shadowed. I saw your turquoise eyes, the color of sky. Never of us spoke, we just looked at each other. I saw your guilt at leaving, your way of saying that perhaps, it wasn't my fault. You were proud of me again. Relieved that I was still there, standing. But you didn't come any closer, and when I tried, a barrier stopped me. You had to come to me. But you didn't; you were afraid, and the pain was too much.

But you still cared. You still loved me.

Thank you, Master.


End file.
